Today hasn’t been a very good day for me. The depression has been off the charts. Someone once told me that it is cathartic to “get it down on paper”. I don’t know for sure if it does help but I’m willing to try. This morning at 6:30 AM, I had Bible study at the church. I didn’t go. I just didn’t feel like facing anyone and putting on a face for them. You know, “fake it ’til you make it” kind of thing. Why pretend everything’s alright when clearly, it is not? On the other hand, why emote in front of everyone and bring them down? No way to win.
I chose to stay in my cocoon today. I actually finished reading the book by William Boyd Chisum, “Chasing The Wind” and was uplifted by it. It would have been nice if I could sustain the good feelings that book gave me. The story is certainly inspirational but when I’m in a funk, it just doesn’t matter. I plan to reread the book. Maybe it will hit me harder the next time. I don’t know what will get me out of this depression but I am hopeful that something will. Most of yesterday I thought a lot about suicide. Before anyone freaks out and starts an exhaustive search to find me and save me, save your energy. I think about it frequently and have only attempted it once. That was over forty years ago. However, the subject is always in my consciousness. I just don’t have anything or anyone to live for. I have been estranged from my immediate family (all except Mom) for many years. My ex-wive, whom I still love very much, is in the latter stages of Alzheimer’s so I’ve lost the connection there. I have tried numerous times to connect with various people at the church but, when the service is over, off they go.
I must not be a “people person”. As much as I wish I were, I guess it just ain’t gonna happen! It’s no fun to be alone or lonely. In fact it sucks big time!
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Wade, you are not by yourself in this world. I have been where you are many times in my life, and I know that it seems hopless at times. But Wade, for all of those who are children of God, hopelessness went out with the resurection. You don’t need to put on a show when you feel bad for others that you come in contact with. If they are true brothers and sisters in Christ, they will understand where you are coming from and try to help in some way.
You and I know that they really can’t help what your feeling very much, however, just the thought that someone cares enough to try, should mean something.
Wish I lived closer. You have a friend and brother in Christ with me Wade. If you ever need to talk, you have my e-mail.
You are in my prayers!
William Boyd Chisum
Comment by William Boyd Chisum — September 5, 2006 @ 3:39 pm
Wade,
you just have to do the best you can with what you’ve got. Some days are like that- you struggle to leave the nest of your home (where you’re not really happy anyways), thinking that you’re going to feel better, or at least different, once you get around people. Sometimes a crowd of non-depressed people is the loneliest place on earth.
Take care of yourself. Don’t be afraid to ask for help when you need it. Time goes one, and if you keep one foot in front of the other, you’ll be doing just fine.
yours,
Lurpsie
Comment by cucumber — September 5, 2006 @ 4:38 pm