As a man now in his fifties, I have found that many things of my youth are no longer as important to me. Take love for example. Well, I still love and it is important but the pursuit of a relationship is not. As a teenager, I was denied the opportunity to date and, as a result, did not develop the social skills that many take for granted. In my twenties and beyond, I was awkward around women, especially those I found particularly attractive.
I met my wife on March 18, 1989 when I was 38 years old on a blind date set up by my neighbor, Jackie. Jackie and I had become quite close. She has since died but while she was in my life, I was filled with joy. It was completely platonic. You see, Jackie was 15 years older than me which should not have made a difference but it did. Jackie was also a black lady which really did not make a difference (I am white). It did to other people but not to me. In fact, we did a lot of things together out and about and were treated shamefully by many because of the difference in race but that will be the subject for another day.
Back to my blind date. My wife was a dental hygienist who was taking care of Jackie one day. Jackie noticed that “Barbara” was not wearing a ring so she asked her if she was married or otherwise involved with anyone. Barbara said that she was not and asked why she was interested in that. Jackie said that she has just the fellow for her but he’s a bit on the shy side. Barbara gave her a telephone number and told her to have me call.
Well, I was floored! How dare Jackie interfere with my misery by putting me out there! Weeks went by and I did not call. Luckily Jackie had a follow-up appointment with Barbara and when she told Jackie that I had not called, she said that she would break the ice and call me. So that Sunday evening, my phone rang catching me with a bundle of nerves, perspiring heavily. I inched toward the phone, picked it up, and sheepishly said a weak “hello.” We ended up talking for 2 1/2 hours and had even made plans for dinner the following Friday which was March 18, 1989. From that moment on, I was in heaven. At age 38, I had my very first girlfriend!
Three years later, we married. I was floatin’ on a cloud! The problem was I still had poor social skills, I didn’t know how to be a good husband. I was selfish without realizing it, I was neglectful of her. I was not as affectionate as I should have been toward her. Suffice it to say, I was a mess and I made life pretty difficult for Barbara without really realizing I was doing it. So, after 12 years of marriage, she divorced me and, in hindsight, I applaud her for taking care of herself. It was the right thing to do.
Now I am living a solitary existence with my devotion to God. I don’t need the company of a woman to make me whole. I equate that to “knowing my limitations.” In a casual conversation I recently had with a man I’d just met at the church, he asked me if I was involved with anyone. He had already admitted to me that the reason he was attending church was to pick up chicks. I said that I was not and, in fact, was not interested in pursuing a relationship with anyone. His first thought was, “he must be gay!” Well, no, I’m not but thanks for asking.
I guess many don’t (or won’t) understand but that’s OK with me. I am now comfortable in my skin. If I should happen to meet a woman who rocks my world, that will be terrific. But, I am not looking for it. I am content not only being who I really am but finally knowing who I really am. I don’t need to keep up appearances for the benefit of others to save face. As a youth, I became quite proficient in lying to explain why I was never seen with a girl draped on my arm. Now, I will tell anyone who is interested that I have never been too successful with women and am quite content to be without. I got over it!
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